my joyful life

Three weeks and a year.

2009-04-26T03:59:00.000-07:00

There is nothing really to say. Life is busy.

Coming to the end of three years here at Moody have made me think about my coming last year. What will it hold? Our city offers so many opportunities, many of which I have passed up, but this ought not be. In my last year I want to embrace the city. By the grace of God there will not be much free time, but there will be a bit of spending money. One goal is to see a play on the Chicago version of Broadway. Another goal is to swim in Lake Michigan. With the ladies of 6 West, to visit new and exciting dessert places, all through the city. More importantly, I want to see my heart break for this lost city. On Friday night I watched a movie that was dirtier than anything I could imagine. There are two responses required: first, pray for a pure mind in word and deed following exposure to that filth, second, pray for those who have been so corrupted that they find this type of movie amusing. The bubble of Moody, and my life, is so rarely penetrated, that when it happens I go into a state of shock. You see, no one really needs to be exposed to the filth of the world, we know how dirty it is. But then we fail to pray for our lost friends. We fail to desire an increase in the kingdom of God. And that's when we need to be shocked into obedience again. This city needs Christ! Pray with me for it to know Him!

hmmmm. other thoughts of recent days:

Surrender is something that needs to happen almost hourly.

Home and family are precious.

God is a wonderful provider. He has a huge fan in me.

You can't run very long on fumes. You need to be connected to the spring of life every day, or you will run dry.

Tell someone of the goodness of our God today! Praise Him!

It is far to easy to procrastinate.

ants

2009-04-21T07:22:00.000-07:00

This summer, for my internship with Moody, God is sending me to Thailand. My excitement and fear for everything is building with each passing day. Moody tries to prepare us as best they can, requiring a 5-7 page country report. For that, and also just out of pure curiosity, I've been researching Thailand a lot the past few weeks. The goal is to learn how to not be offensive to the people of Thailand. Things learned so far:

~Smile, it'll cover a world of frustration.
~Don't show your frustration or anger, loss of one's temper is terrible.
-Feet are never to be pointed at anyone, that is insulting.
-To Buddhists the head is sacred, therefore it should never be touched.
-The king is held in high respect, don't say anything disrespectful.

The culture where I have been raised is so very different. My hope is to be mostly a learner, trying not to offend while there. When things get stressful I do have a bit of a temper, so this is something I know God will have to help me with. One thing that I discovered: in Thailand they eat ants. Part of being a learner is eating what is served to you. Can't wait.

On a completely different note, but related because its about ants. God has been trying to teach me to look out of my little ant hole and see the much bigger picture. The past week has been pretty stressful homework wise, plus other distractions in my mindset and life, some good, some bad. But the result has been I have been terrible selfish. Example: I'm gathering prayer partners for my internship. I've asked a few good friends if they would pray for me one day a week. One of my friends (I'd left a message about this on her phone) called me yesterday. My class was just starting, so I did not answer, but I thought to myself "She's probably calling back about the prayer thing" (ME focused...always). She wasn't. She left a message saying that she was really hoping to talk with me, that she needed to process through stuff with someone. That smacked me in the face. Stop thinking your world is all that matters.

I should be writing a paper...

2009-04-19T12:13:00.000-07:00

Actually I have five papers due tomorrow. And I am almost done with number one. So, I thought, I'll spend some time online writing a blog entry no one will read. Wise, no?

Sundays are my family day. After church I take the train out to Katrina and Ash's apartment and recalibrate. They are the best part of my week, and love hanging out with them. After spending a day with them, the rest of the week seems doable.

This has been a really rough week homework wise, tons due. And when there is a ton of homework there is little time for rest. So I come to the end of the week weary. My sabbath with Katrina and Ash was the light at the end of the tunnel. Then the realization hits me. They are out of town. I can't see them. This is very sad. If you guys ever read this, know I love you very much. You've made this college experience great. It stinks when you're not here.

On a happy note: I found and bought cheep Russian juice at the store today. After a year negative memories just fall away from my mind, and all I remember is the good. This is happening with my Russian trip. God was good in bringing me through last summer.

Neutral

2009-03-27T19:21:00.000-07:00

Recently my older sister has been teaching me to drive a stick shift car. In reality this is just a relearning for me. My dad tried a few times, but almost always as soon as I got behind the wheel there was a ton of traffic and sudden hills. So shifting became almost impossible. And then, as with most dads when their daughters are about to wreck their cars, my dad would yell out in frustration. This was not very conducive to learning. So my skills in this area are lacking. Needless to say, I feel incomplete. Without this vital skill I will never be able to compete on the AMAZING RACE or drive anywhere other than the US.

Solution: My older sister, who is much more patient, and a worse driver than me, will teach me. So the lessons begin. And I find that I'm not very bad at this shifting thing. Except for one major shift: from Neutral to First. You see, at neutral the car is not moving, just waiting (at stop lights and such). In order to shift in to first you must both push in the clutch and the gas at equal speeds, thus shifting and getting the car in motion at the same time. This is hard. I'm not very good at it. The car jerks and lurches and shakes and jumps and then finally we're in motion. Once I'm moving I have no problems shifting from gear to gear. Its that initial shift that kills me every time. Neutral is hard to get out of.

I'm in neutral right now. Which feels odd because for the past few months I've been flying down the freeway, shifting away as the need arose. Then came Spring Break, and I had to really slow down, even stop at a few red lights. Now I'm sitting here in neutral and not wanting to go through that who shaky process of getting moving again. I like neutral, or I like speeding away. Its the getting on the move that kills me.

bumbling

2009-02-15T03:42:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I feel like a bumbling idiot. And I'm pretty sure these feelings are accurate. Thank goodness for the graciousness of dear friends. And that my Savior specializes in saving bumbling idiots.

This past year has been momentous. Katrina says that some years are just that way, and that some years pass with nothing big happening in them. I was thinking about the amount of stuff my God has brought me through when I was up at winter camp a few weeks ago. Its hard to imagine the woman I was one year ago. I know Him more. In Russia He became my closest friend again. Then when I got back I de-seated Him as best friend. Life was distracting. I was happy, and didn't need Him anymore. As a result I treated dear friends and acquaintances with contempt. Because I was cool and on the top of my game. Jesus finally brought me around. We are close again. Then last night some of that rudeness that plagues my flesh crept into my mindset and actions. But God is faithful and worked me through a lot of that today. When the fear of man creeps into your mindset you begin to treat some men as gods and some men as scum. Neither is right. In fact, both are sinful. Thank the Lord for His goodness, and that he always draws me back. I love you Lord. Make me live for you. Everyday. Thank you for your love.

family

2009-02-05T03:27:00.000-08:00

I miss my family.

Dad, he just turned 50 and is the best dad in the world. I love his humor and his passion for the Lord and His Word. My dad is amazingly strong and there is nothing he can't do. I love it when my dad is happy.

Mom, I have never known someone who has sacrificed so much for her kids. My mom's life is so dedicated to us it is amazing. She is also really smart and taught each of us to think for ourselves. My mom loves the Lord with her whole heart and lives to please him.

And the rest:

Katrina and Ash, they have been my life support here in Chicago. I never feel to far from family as long as they are around. They have both gone out of their way MANY times to help me out, I'm unendingly grateful!

Soren, my brother the genius. I love reading the different thoughts he writes down and am always impressed with his mind. God has also kept him faithful to Himself, and he is trying to be a witness at his school.

Jorgen, I have loved watching this boy mature in the past few years. I have seen him make his faith his own, experience the rejection of men, and come out desiring to serve God even more. He is quickly becoming a man.

Anneliise, goodness, she is so beautiful! Inside and out this girl has a wonderful nature. I love her love for God and her love for people.

Brigitta, my precious little sister. Such a sweetie! This girl can serve like nobody's business, and her creativity amazes me.

Kolbjorn, he has the most imagination and energy of any little boy I've met. Unfortunately he is now disobeying me and growing up. Pretty soon he won't be a little boy.

Torstien, its never easy to carry the load of youngest, Torstien does it well. He is so smart and very competitive. He is also a great cuddle bug, and a wonderful actor.

...and I miss them a lot right now.

Anne Bradstreet

2009-01-29T00:51:00.000-08:00

I love these poems!

The Flesh and the Spirit

In secret place where once I stood
Close by the Banks of Lacrim flood,
I heard two sisters reason on
Things that are past and things to come.
One Flesh was call'd, who had her eye
On worldly wealth and vanity;
The other Spirit, who did rear
Her thoughts unto a higher sphere.
"Sister," quoth Flesh, "what liv'st thou on
Nothing but Meditation?
Doth Contemplation feed thee so
Regardlessly to let earth go?
Can Speculation satisfy
Notion without Reality?
Dost dream of things beyond the Moon
And dost thou hope to dwell there soon?
Hast treasures there laid up in store
That all in th' world thou count'st but poor?
Art fancy-sick or turn'd a Sot
To catch at shadows which are not?
Come, come. I'll show unto thy sense,
Industry hath its recompence.
What canst desire, but thou maist see
True substance in variety?
Dost honour like? Acquire the same,
As some to their immortal fame;
And trophies to thy name erect
Which wearing time shall ne'er deject.
For riches dost thou long full sore?
Behold enough of precious store.
Earth hath more silver, pearls, and gold
Than eyes can see or hands can hold.
Affects thou pleasure? Take thy fill.
Earth hath enough of what you will.
Then let not go what thou maist find
For things unknown only in mind."

Spirit.

"Be still, thou unregenerate part,
Disturb no more my settled heart,
For I have vow'd (and so will do)
Thee as a foe still to pursue,
And combat with thee will and must
Until I see thee laid in th' dust.
Sister we are, yea twins we be,
Yet deadly feud 'twixt thee and me,
For from one father are we not.
Thou by old Adam wast begot,
But my arise is from above,
Whence my dear father I do love.
Thou speak'st me fair but hat'st me sore.
Thy flatt'ring shews I'll trust no more.
How oft thy slave hast thou me made
When I believ'd what thou hast said
And never had more cause of woe
Than when I did what thou bad'st do.
I'll stop mine ears at these thy charms
And count them for my deadly harms.
Thy sinful pleasures I do hate,
Thy riches are to me no bait.
Thine honours do, nor will I love,
For my ambition lies above.
My greatest honour it shall be
When I am victor over thee,
And Triumph shall, with laurel head,
When thou my Captive shalt be led.
How I do live, thou need'st not scoff,
For I have meat thou know'st not of.
The hidden MAnnea I do eat;
The word of life, it is my meat.
My thoughts do yield me more content
Than can thy hours in pleasure spent.
Nor are they shadows which I catch,
Nor fancies vain at which I snatch
But reach at things that are so high,
Beyond thy dull Capacity.
Eternal substance I do see
With which inriched I would be.
Mine eye doth pierce the heav'ns and see
What is Invisible to thee.
My garments are not silk nor gold,
Nor such like trash which Earth doth hold,
But Royal Robes I shall have on,
More glorious than the glist'ring Sun.
My Crown not Diamonds, Pearls, and gold,
But such as Angels' heads infold.
The City where I hope to dwell,
There's none on Earth can parallel.
The stately Walls both high and trong
Are made of precious Jasper stone,
The Gates of Pearl, both rich and clear,
And Angels are for Porters there.
The Streets thereof transparent gold
Such as no Eye did e're behold.
A Crystal River there doth run
Which doth proceed from the Lamb's Throne.
Of Life, there are the waters sure
Which shall remain forever pure.
Nor Sun nor Moon they have no need
For glory doth from God proceed.
No Candle there, nor yet Torch light,
For there shall be no darksome night.
From sickness and infirmity
Forevermore they shall be free.
Nor withering age shall e're come there,
But beauty shall be bright and clear.
This City pure is not for thee,
For things unclean there shall not be.
If I of Heav'n may have my fill,
Take thou the world, and all that will."

By Night when Others Soundly Slept

By night when others soundly slept
And hath at once both ease and Rest,
My waking eyes were open kept
And so to lie I found it best.

I sought him whom my Soul did Love,
With tears I sought him earnestly.
He bow'd his ear down from Above.
In vain I did not seek or cry.

My hungry Soul he fill'd with Good;
He in his Bottle put my tears,
My smarting wounds washt in his blood,
And banisht thence my Doubts and fears.

What to my Saviour shall I give
Who freely hath done this for me?
I'll serve him here whilst I shall live
And Loue him to Eternity.

odd thoughts

2009-01-25T00:50:00.000-08:00

This semester has been nothing of what I expected it to be. But I am having the time of my life. School probably hasn't been the highest priority (ha! I'm supposed to be writing two papers right now for systematic theology). But I'm getting to do more than I thought. I've spent much time with my brother, my sister, and my friends, and far too much money. I'm reforming now though. I promise.

You would think that Christians would expect God to answer their questions and requests more, considering what we believe about this God we love. Yet I'm always a little surprised when this happens. Like my cousin and I were talking about this one issue, and then the next day I read something in C.S. Lewis that eased some of the confusion. And then I was talking with a girl on my floor about some struggles we were having. The next night our professor spoke straight to those struggles. He is truly a God abundant with lovingkindness. Then there are little moments of grace. Just now I was falling asleep here at Houghton desk and I thought: "Wouldn't it be nice if I had 55 cents to buy a bag of chips?" I realized I could look in the couches for spare change...and I found 60 cents. Thank the Lord!

Homesickness is setting in much sooner than in past years. Its funny, here I am planning on living overseas for a lot of my life, and I can barely take four months apart from my family. Weak spirit. I love my family a lot. A lot. A lot.

2008

2008-12-31T07:52:00.000-08:00

This has been quite a year. God has changed me so radically through the course of this year that I would hardly recognize the person I was in January. Then, at the same time, the core elements of who I am stay they same, unchanged as the years go by. As a feel and see to very many changes in my life, goals, and actions, I am more strengthened in who God has made me. Talking with one of my longest and dearest friends yesterday we realized that we both are just the same little ten-year-olds that had grown up and gotten smarter. That is the oddest thing about growing up, you change so very much, and yet you never really change. The "change" that occurs is mostly putting life lessons in your basket. And I have gathered my fair share of life lessons this year.

Leadership is a lot harder than you think: remember to stay focused on your vision and use your team.

Groups can change radically in just a few months: stick through hard times and be flexible to change.

God sometimes takes you through really rough times to break you of your will. This is good.

There are some areas of life where you will never see the results of your ministry. That is not an excuse to serve less.

Being Christ followers does not make friendships easier, as much as I think it should.

Your heart is more resilient than you might think.

Mentors come when you least expect it.

It is good to talk with your mom and friends about pain in your life.

Be faithful in little tasks, even if no big tasks come your way.

In a godly, and healthy, romantic relationship both people are supposed to be very in love with the other, and ready to give of themselves always.

An older sister is a precious gift, and living close to her is icing on the cake.

These are the major lessons I've learned in 2008. God has been so faithful to teach and mold me throughout this year. Never have I been more aware of His kind and loving hand guiding and protecting me life and practice. Never have I seen more vividly how my sinful actions and lack of faithfulness break my relationship with Him. I'm ready for 2009, what will is bring? The anticipation excites me...

not ready

2008-12-29T22:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not ready to go back to school. Home is so good. Family is the most comfortable environment to be in. I like being able to cook, and play games, and have lively discussions with my family. As much as I like Moody Church it does not hold a candle to my home church, where I feel comfortable and loved. And the weather -! Don't even get me started. So beautiful. I guess a part of it is laziness, I like the lack of responsibility. But mostly its that I really like being home, with my family. Where I belong.

Home.

2008-12-24T07:23:00.000-08:00

falling asleep on the couch.

staying in my pajamas all day.

baking with my sisters.

talking to mom.

hugs at my church from all the dear people.

driving back late at night from hanging out with friends.

looking up and seeing thousands of stars.

being hugged by Kolbjorn's never ending hugs.

laughing around the table after we finish diner.

rushing to get everyone out of the house on time.

having sleepovers with my sisters.

reading for pleasure.

its good to be home!

Words that Challenge

2008-12-02T16:01:00.000-08:00

Someone just called me and read me these verses and the spoke right to where I am. God's timing is amazing.

The LORD your God is testing you to find out whether you love Him with all your heart and with all your soul. It is the LORD your God you must follow, and Him you must revere. Keep His commands and obey Him; serve Him and hold fast to Him.
Deuteronomy 13:3-4

wake up call

2008-11-19T14:26:00.001-08:00

Why is it when you make a big decisions you immediately see the reasons you should not have chosen that way? I feel like I need wisdom majorly, and I need prayer, for many things. And I'm procrastinating. mhe. Welcome to November.

And yet, through my failings, difficulties, and troubles, I see the Lord's abundant blessing and kindness. He is using all this to draw me back to sweet fellowship with him.

One week till I leave for Thanksgiving! My feelings are a lot more mixed toward that right now. I'm definitely praying more about it. Lord willing, it will be a good time for everyone.

tears

2008-11-01T22:02:00.000-07:00

Smith desk is a funny place. And being the Smith desk worker is an interesting position. You see, people forget you are here. All the couples that walk through the area totally ignore you. Some days I really like it, because I can sit here and gossip with myself about the different couples and their current status. Some days...it grinds on my nerves. The prolonged good-byes, the "call me when you get back to your room"s, the "I don't like that face. No I really like that face, I just don't like that you are upset right now"s, sometimes you just want them all to leave. But they don't because, to them, they are alone. And you do not exist. Cynicism is not always a healthy trait, I'm afraid.
I learned much this week. About being a part of a team. And learning through communication. There were days this week when I really did not like myself, or what I had done. Sometimes my pride, and lack of consideration for others pushes me to the point of tears. I cried four times this week. Because I took someone's trust and twisted it against them. Because I was hurt by someone. Because of my sin, and failure to change. Because a book grabbed my emotions and carried them where it wanted. My goodness, and I was not even PMS-ing.

red-orange-purple-yellow-green-brown

2008-10-19T17:46:00.000-07:00

Fall is such a beautiful time of year. I love the changing colors on the trees. As we drove around the Michigan countryside I found my eyes glued to the window. This is a beauty unexperienced in California. When I was little my grandma used to have me help her put together those 5000 piece jigsaw puzzles. I think I saw one of them today by the road. It makes you wonder why people travel out east during the summer months, when its hot, sticky, buggy, and miserable. Why not in the perfect cool of fall, when the hills are ablaze with color? Back in the day they had this figured out. School would be let out for the harvest and continue far into the summer. I wouldn't mind staying in school longer if I knew I could enjoy more fully these wonder days of fall.
We visited a apple orchard yesterday. This was per my request. I've alway had a certain affinity for apple orchards in the fall. It was wonderful! The only hard part was I am a pauper and could not buy any of the yummy looking apple foods. But we walked forever and almost got lost. That would have been pure bliss, to be lost in an apple orchard. And, we are going to make applesauce tomorrow! This will bring back warm feelings of my grandma.
In other news, homesickness is starting to roll heavier over me. It always starts getting worse in October, intensifying till we get to Christmas break. Pictures of siblings, smells that conjure up images of memories, and sounds that remind me of home, all my senses are joining in in this battle to not miss home too much. As great as it has been to be at Anna's house, being in someone else's home does not make me miss home less. Soon, these two months will pass, and I will be home! joy!

Cookies, holes, and big hair

2008-10-01T01:20:00.000-07:00

Monday was a weird day. I woke up from a full night's rest and had no desire to leave my bed. I'd like to blame the weather for my bad attitude. Rain, if you are not outside in rain-boots jumping in puddles, makes people depressed. So I saw the rain and was depressed. But the day was weirder than my attitude, something was just off. I cut a hole in my shirt, without realizing what I was doing...haha, silly girl. And then I made cookies and did not add enough flour, thankfully I realized that after only baking half of them. And my hair looked like it was from the 80s. Odd things like to happen all on the same day.
The day also ended weird. I went to informal practice expecting it to be a "Yay we had a great first show!" party. That was why I made cookies after all. Kelly also seemed to think that was the theme of the night, she brought brownies. So everything was set. Except for the fact that Monday was a weird day, and things don't happen as they are set to on weird days. Caleb is sick. He can't stay with informal. This was such shocking news to me. Maybe if I had eyes to see what other people were going through I could have known he was not feeling great. We are going to miss him, a lot. Caleb was a great leader, and a supportive team member. It'll suck to have him off the team. It was the right choice, he needs more time to rest and heal.
So, I'm glad Monday is over.

Yesterday in sys theo I realized that I need to be reading the Word more often. There is something about talking about the inerrancy, sufficiency, and illumination of scripture that makes you want to read it more than you do. The problem with my life is I've gotten so busy that important things, like my time with God, become less important to me. I need more accountability on this. Someone to ask me, "What are you learning from the Word right now?" But the blame does not rest with anyone but me. Thankfully I'm here at Bible school, and so I get wake-up calls all the time. My fear is that when I leave this place I'll become stagnant. Without being connected to the source I become a dried up spring, no good for anything.

Do you keep a blog?

2008-09-27T23:55:00.000-07:00

Melissa asked me that tonight, and the answer is not really. Sometimes the desire to write on here hits me. As you can tell, however, that the frequency of this is rare. We are now a month and a half into Moody. And Soren is just starting at U of C. Somehow that does not seem fair. This has been the craziest month of my life. Never have I felt the inadequacies of my frailty, nor the strength of His had holding me up, on such a consistent basis.

I bit off too much. That is really the long and the short of it. When I think about what fills my days I even wonder at how I'm keeping up. Yet, God has been faithful, and I keep up. In ways I am not preforming at 100% in everything. I let the ball drop with SMF this past month. Got caught in the daily details and forgot the vision. Thankfully my faithful Helper never lets me get to far off track, so He shook me up this week. We talked about it at exec and planned ways we can begin serving the students in a more complete way. We are launching a news update thingy this week. Terribly excited about that. I'm the president of the nerds after all (thank you Eddie). And we are going to try in a more active way to get current students connected with graduated, and serving students (know to most as alum). That was the vision we lost. But we have not wasted too much time, so the battle is not lost.

iNforMaL was last night! Best show ever! This is the part of my life where I feel the pleasure of God (Joe's analogy). There is such joy in bringing laughter into people's stress-filled lives. And to have the blessing of this position, being on such a great team, and this crazy gift from God, is almost too much to handle sometimes. I forget all the stress in my life at a show. The laughter of the crowd brings joy to me.

School. Yeah, this is why I am here after all. It is good. Great classes, that I'm keeping up with. From some perspective I could be putting more time into them. But I don't feel the need. I Love all my professors. Someone told me that junior year is the best, and they were right!

The boy is great. Pretty much. I suppose I should honor him more than calling him "the boy". Honestly, Eddie is the biggest blessing in my life. I'm continually impressed with his maturity and self-sacrifice. He is a man who is following after God, and that is so darn amazing! We are quickly approaching our sixth month mark. And he has become my dearest friend in the world. When I'm excited or stressed, he is the one to talk with. Because, somehow, he knows just what to say at all the right times. God has given him wisdom, which I am very grateful for. On here, it is impossible to explain the wonder of how God has matched our lives like puzzle pieces. But suffice to say, this is a good thing.

Everything else is falling into place. I wish I had more time for friends, and art projects, and a second job. My weeks are best described as a scream to a sigh. Saturday night- Thursday morning "AAAAAEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKgeHHHtchst!" Thursday-Saturday ahhh! and loop...

Struggle

2008-07-26T18:33:00.000-07:00

i went to Russia and don't know what to say about it. Probably I need time to process all that happened there.

my unbelief

2008-03-01T02:05:00.000-08:00

Here Master, in this quiet place, where anyone may kneel.
I also come to ask for grace, believing You can heal.

If pain of body, stress of mind destoys my inward peace,
in prayer for others may I find the secret of release.

If self upon the sickness feeds and turns my life to gall,
let me not brood upon my needs, but simply tell You all.

You never said, "you ask to much" to any troubled soul.
I long to feel Your healing touch, will You not make me whole?

But if the thing I most desire is not Your way for me,
may faith, when tested in the fire, prove its integrity.

Of all my prayers, may this be chief till faith is fully grown.
Lord disbelieve my unbelief and claim me as Your own.

-Fred Green 1974

sleeplessness leads to:

2008-02-23T22:25:00.000-08:00

- loss of direction (literally, I have wandered around more in the past few weeks, lost in my city)
- the tendency to laugh (at everything)
- the tendency to cry...
- a racing pulse (this one scares me)
- a need to be busy.

I really like my job, and everything that fills my life. But sometimes I am very tired. like now.

So, last Sunday, ha!, I went down the stairs of the train station to board the train to my sister's house. There was this little hand written sign that said there where no north-bound trains. I stared at that sign, wondering what it meant. What direction was my sister's house from where I was? I decided that I needed to go to a different station. Once at the top of the stairs I realized that my sister's house was indeed south of where I was and this station would work just fine. Down the stairs I went again. This time I put my faircard in the slot and walked through the gate. Then I got confused again, was I really going the right way? I decided I was not. Out I went again. I was halfway down the street when I realized that I should have gotten on the train after all. I knew that I was in a confused enough state that I would never make up my mind. I called my roommate. She laughed at me and told me my sister's house was to the south. I walked back to the station and got on the train. How silly am I? I think I need more sleep.

Love

2008-02-14T21:36:00.000-08:00

My cousin Nathan and his wife Becky are missionaries in the Canadian arctic. They live above the tree line, where there is snow for most of the year, and where a whole week can go by with 70 mph winds everyday. This last Sunday the temperature was 40 below with a windchill bringing it down to -58. Cold! Nathan walks around the town, trying to make contact with the people of the town. He discribed to us what he wears: full long underwear, jeans, thick wind-proof snowpants, a coat, and a parka, then a hat, a face mask, a scarf, and the hood from his parka. With all that he is still clod walking around and has gotten frost-bite on his small bits of exposed cheeks. I cannot imagine being up there. I love trees. I love people. I love my family. I think about Becky, while Nathan is out she is often left alone with their baby at the house. She said that it gets hard when their one big window gets covered with a snow drift. I don't think I could handle that. I know that they both love people. I know that they love their families. I''m sure they love trees.

And yet, as they stood on the stage this past Sunday, sharing their ministy with us, tears of joy welled up in their eyes at the connections God has given them with the people there. Neither of them could talk for a while, they were both so overwhelmed with love for this people they have lived with for three months. To them, the snow, isolation, and struggle is nothing compared to the joy of sharing their Savior with the Inuit people. The love of Christ truly compels them to give up all that the earth would value to share the greatest message of all times.

This Valentine's day I want to be filled with that love. I want the love of Christ to compel me to fully live for Him. To cease striving for anything I desire but to put Him first in my heart, life, mind, and days. I want to find my joy in Him and in sharing Him with my world.

spring cleaning

2008-02-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

what a consistent blogger I am!

wow, even though it is not spring yet, I feel like God is doing some pretty intense spring cleaning in my heart. I have so much in me that does not please Him, and slowly, very slowly, he is working it out.

Last semester I saw a demonstration of a potter working with his clay, and it revolutionized my thoughts on my being the clay in God's hands. Before God can mold me into what He desires for me He needs to beat all the air bubbles (which will make the pot crack) out of me. That takes a lot of throwing, and pushing, and pain. Sometimes I just want an easy life. I was everything to be nice and fun. But then I remember that my life ought not to be my own, and that If I am able to fully surrender to God then my life will become something more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. When my life is in His hands. "My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I tried to make a pot once. But the clay was so hard and my hands were so clumsy. I worked at it for a while; it looked pretty bad. But I was tired of trying to make that clay into something beautiful, it was taking too long. So, after a little while, I just stopped. The pot was something that only my dad would have liked (and then only because I made it), all because I did not have the patience to fully work the clay and carefully mold and remold it. Praise God that he does not give up on us! He keeps at us, even though we are hard clay and ugly. And my God's hands are not clumsy, he is an expert potter, making all things according to His perfect plan.

a Prayer

2007-10-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

"O Lord God,
Teach me to know that grace precedes, accompanies, and follows my salvation, that it sustains the redeemed soul, that no one link of its chain can ever break
From Calvary's cross wave upon wave of grace reaches me,
Deals with me sin, washes me clean
Renews my heart, strengthens my will
Draws out my affection, kindles a flame in my soul
Consecrates my every thought, word and work
Teaches me Thy immeasurable love.
How great are my privileges in Christ jesus
Without Him I stand far off, a stranger, an outcast;
In Him I draw near and touch His kinglly scepter;
Without Him I dare no lift my guilty eyes;
In Him I gaze upon my Father, God and Friend;
Without Him I hide my lips in trembling shame;
In Him I open my mouth with petition and praise;
Without Him all is wrath and consuming fire;
In Him is all love and repose of my soul;
Without Him is gaping hell below me and eternal anguish;
In Him its gates are barred to me by His precious blood;
Without Him darkness spreads its horrors in front;
In Him and eternaty of glory is my boundless horizon;
Without Him all within me is terror and dismay;
In Him every accusation is charmed into joy and peace;
Without Him all things external call for my condemnation;
In Him they minister to my comfort and are to be enjoyed with thanksgiving

Praise be to Thee for grace, and for the unspeakable gift of Jesus!"

Fear

2007-10-04T12:25:00.000-07:00

"Shall I bring you to the point of birth and not give delivery?" says the Lord. " Or shall I who gives delivery shut the womb?" says your God. ~Isaiah 66:9

This verse gives me such hope. God is telling the nation of Israel that He would be faithful to her in her deliverance. He is promising that He who has brought them through the pains of childbirth (exile) will complete the good He is doing in their lives. He is reminding them of His faithfulness. The next few verses talk about the joy that Jerusalem will experience after their deliverance. This verse is at the end of the book of Isaiah as a promise following the proclimation of God's judgement. What a comfort these verses must have been to the nation.

And what a comfort this verse can be for me (no I am not at the point of birth, haha). I don't need to fear the hard times in my life, that WILL come, because I know that my God is faithful. He will bring me through difficulty to the joy of deliverance.

my mouth...

2007-10-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

what an ugly thing that it is. When I am angry I can say some pretty ugly things. I don't mean to... and as soon as I say them I regret it. I used to feel traped in this world of snappy come backs and insults. My temper is one of the shortest that I know. But over the last few years I have seen God do an amazing work in my life. You might not realize this if you have only known me a year... But I snap slower now than I did before. The real test to all this is when I am at home with my family. How will I act then? I like to think that I am getting better. You would have to ask my siblings and parents for accurate information. But I know that I am quicker to apologize now than I used to be. The most amazing part of all this is that this is not due to my effort (in fact when I rely on my effort then I fail), this is truly a work of God in my life. I cannot tame my own tongue, but God can tame it for me. This is my prayer: God tame my tongue.

realizations

2007-09-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

Today I looked out the window at school and thought that it looked like a college brochure that you would recieve in the mail. And I realized, once again, that I am indeed a student at the Moody Bible Institute. The reason that it looks like a college brochure is that it is college. Later on, as I was walking down the street to work I realized that I am 21, no longer a child in any sense. I realize things like this a lot.: I am actually preparing for ministry; doing what I have always wanted to do. How did I get here?

Realizations like this are very good for me. They make me think about who I am and what I value. In 1st Corinthians Paul talks about how as he became a man he put away his childish ways of thinking. His conclusion is that we ought to persue love. Not a childlike, selfish and selfsatisfying love, but a love that is what he descibes in the first half of the chapter. I have been thinking of this chapter and what Paul urges us to do in relation to the surrounding context (yeah: herminutics!) and how much that applies to what I am encountering here at Moody. The question of spiritual gifts and what has ceased is a topic that will never die. But here Paul is telling us to view the whole situation with mature, unselfish, and loving reasoning. I really don't know where I stand on this issue right now, but I am thinking about it more that I used to.

Another realization that I had was that I so often live on past learning. I don't know how to really explain, but often I will learn something really great or have a good conversation, and then for the next few days I feel like I can just ride that wave till I crash. the problem here is that I do crash. I realized that this is because I give myself 'time-off' and let my spirit become drained. In Revelations Jesus confronts the church at Sardis for living on a name that is alive while they remain dead. I do that to. Jesus calls the church to WAKE UP!! and I need to do that every day, every moment. Wake up Kjieri! stop living on your past glories and live for me today.

I like realizations... they are good for me.

struggles

2007-06-28T15:26:00.000-07:00

I have been learning how to really struggle with things. I have never really doubted my faith, nor my salvation. But over the past year it has been so wonderful so really think through what I believe. It's funny because that is what I ased of God a little less than a year ago. And He gave it to me. I am more sure of what I believe and not afraid to talk through different theological issues now. I love the fact that there is more and more to learn about Christianity, that you never can fully understand God and how He works, but that you can always explore Him more. You can be content with where you are in your faith, or you can seek more. What a joy it is to grow. But it is also hard. I just finished Mere Christianity, in it C.S. Lewis talks about Christ rooting out our sin. That is painful stuff.

unsure

2007-06-26T15:11:00.000-07:00

I am really new to the idea of blogging. For a long time I thought that blogging was just a narcissistic way of journaling. And very public journal at that. But I am beginning to see their value. So we will see how this goes.