my unbelief

Here Master, in this quiet place, where anyone may kneel.
I also come to ask for grace, believing You can heal.

If pain of body, stress of mind destoys my inward peace,
in prayer for others may I find the secret of release.

If self upon the sickness feeds and turns my life to gall,
let me not brood upon my needs, but simply tell You all.

You never said, "you ask to much" to any troubled soul.
I long to feel Your healing touch, will You not make me whole?

But if the thing I most desire is not Your way for me,
may faith, when tested in the fire, prove its integrity.

Of all my prayers, may this be chief till faith is fully grown.
Lord disbelieve my unbelief and claim me as Your own.

-Fred Green 1974

sleeplessness leads to:

- loss of direction (literally, I have wandered around more in the past few weeks, lost in my city)
- the tendency to laugh (at everything)
- the tendency to cry...
- a racing pulse (this one scares me)
- a need to be busy.


I really like my job, and everything that fills my life. But sometimes I am very tired. like now.

So, last Sunday, ha!, I went down the stairs of the train station to board the train to my sister's house. There was this little hand written sign that said there where no north-bound trains. I stared at that sign, wondering what it meant. What direction was my sister's house from where I was? I decided that I needed to go to a different station. Once at the top of the stairs I realized that my sister's house was indeed south of where I was and this station would work just fine. Down the stairs I went again. This time I put my faircard in the slot and walked through the gate. Then I got confused again, was I really going the right way? I decided I was not. Out I went again. I was halfway down the street when I realized that I should have gotten on the train after all. I knew that I was in a confused enough state that I would never make up my mind. I called my roommate. She laughed at me and told me my sister's house was to the south. I walked back to the station and got on the train. How silly am I? I think I need more sleep.

Love

My cousin Nathan and his wife Becky are missionaries in the Canadian arctic. They live above the tree line, where there is snow for most of the year, and where a whole week can go by with 70 mph winds everyday. This last Sunday the temperature was 40 below with a windchill bringing it down to -58. Cold! Nathan walks around the town, trying to make contact with the people of the town. He discribed to us what he wears: full long underwear, jeans, thick wind-proof snowpants, a coat, and a parka, then a hat, a face mask, a scarf, and the hood from his parka. With all that he is still clod walking around and has gotten frost-bite on his small bits of exposed cheeks. I cannot imagine being up there. I love trees. I love people. I love my family. I think about Becky, while Nathan is out she is often left alone with their baby at the house. She said that it gets hard when their one big window gets covered with a snow drift. I don't think I could handle that. I know that they both love people. I know that they love their families. I''m sure they love trees.

And yet, as they stood on the stage this past Sunday, sharing their ministy with us, tears of joy welled up in their eyes at the connections God has given them with the people there. Neither of them could talk for a while, they were both so overwhelmed with love for this people they have lived with for three months. To them, the snow, isolation, and struggle is nothing compared to the joy of sharing their Savior with the Inuit people. The love of Christ truly compels them to give up all that the earth would value to share the greatest message of all times.

This Valentine's day I want to be filled with that love. I want the love of Christ to compel me to fully live for Him. To cease striving for anything I desire but to put Him first in my heart, life, mind, and days. I want to find my joy in Him and in sharing Him with my world.

spring cleaning

what a consistent blogger I am!

wow, even though it is not spring yet, I feel like God is doing some pretty intense spring cleaning in my heart. I have so much in me that does not please Him, and slowly, very slowly, he is working it out.

Last semester I saw a demonstration of a potter working with his clay, and it revolutionized my thoughts on my being the clay in God's hands. Before God can mold me into what He desires for me He needs to beat all the air bubbles (which will make the pot crack) out of me. That takes a lot of throwing, and pushing, and pain. Sometimes I just want an easy life. I was everything to be nice and fun. But then I remember that my life ought not to be my own, and that If I am able to fully surrender to God then my life will become something more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. When my life is in His hands. "My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I tried to make a pot once. But the clay was so hard and my hands were so clumsy. I worked at it for a while; it looked pretty bad. But I was tired of trying to make that clay into something beautiful, it was taking too long. So, after a little while, I just stopped. The pot was something that only my dad would have liked (and then only because I made it), all because I did not have the patience to fully work the clay and carefully mold and remold it. Praise God that he does not give up on us! He keeps at us, even though we are hard clay and ugly. And my God's hands are not clumsy, he is an expert potter, making all things according to His perfect plan.

a Prayer

"O Lord God,
Teach me to know that grace precedes, accompanies, and follows my salvation, that it sustains the redeemed soul, that no one link of its chain can ever break
From Calvary's cross wave upon wave of grace reaches me,
Deals with me sin, washes me clean
Renews my heart, strengthens my will
Draws out my affection, kindles a flame in my soul
Consecrates my every thought, word and work
Teaches me Thy immeasurable love.
How great are my privileges in Christ jesus
Without Him I stand far off, a stranger, an outcast;
In Him I draw near and touch His kinglly scepter;
Without Him I dare no lift my guilty eyes;
In Him I gaze upon my Father, God and Friend;
Without Him I hide my lips in trembling shame;
In Him I open my mouth with petition and praise;
Without Him all is wrath and consuming fire;
In Him is all love and repose of my soul;
Without Him is gaping hell below me and eternal anguish;
In Him its gates are barred to me by His precious blood;
Without Him darkness spreads its horrors in front;
In Him and eternaty of glory is my boundless horizon;
Without Him all within me is terror and dismay;
In Him every accusation is charmed into joy and peace;
Without Him all things external call for my condemnation;
In Him they minister to my comfort and are to be enjoyed with thanksgiving

Praise be to Thee for grace, and for the unspeakable gift of Jesus!"

Fear

"Shall I bring you to the point of birth and not give delivery?" says the Lord. " Or shall I who gives delivery shut the womb?" says your God. ~Isaiah 66:9

This verse gives me such hope. God is telling the nation of Israel that He would be faithful to her in her deliverance. He is promising that He who has brought them through the pains of childbirth (exile) will complete the good He is doing in their lives. He is reminding them of His faithfulness. The next few verses talk about the joy that Jerusalem will experience after their deliverance. This verse is at the end of the book of Isaiah as a promise following the proclimation of God's judgement. What a comfort these verses must have been to the nation.

And what a comfort this verse can be for me (no I am not at the point of birth, haha). I don't need to fear the hard times in my life, that WILL come, because I know that my God is faithful. He will bring me through difficulty to the joy of deliverance.

my mouth...

what an ugly thing that it is. When I am angry I can say some pretty ugly things. I don't mean to... and as soon as I say them I regret it. I used to feel traped in this world of snappy come backs and insults. My temper is one of the shortest that I know. But over the last few years I have seen God do an amazing work in my life. You might not realize this if you have only known me a year... But I snap slower now than I did before. The real test to all this is when I am at home with my family. How will I act then? I like to think that I am getting better. You would have to ask my siblings and parents for accurate information. But I know that I am quicker to apologize now than I used to be. The most amazing part of all this is that this is not due to my effort (in fact when I rely on my effort then I fail), this is truly a work of God in my life. I cannot tame my own tongue, but God can tame it for me. This is my prayer: God tame my tongue.