2008

This has been quite a year. God has changed me so radically through the course of this year that I would hardly recognize the person I was in January. Then, at the same time, the core elements of who I am stay they same, unchanged as the years go by. As a feel and see to very many changes in my life, goals, and actions, I am more strengthened in who God has made me. Talking with one of my longest and dearest friends yesterday we realized that we both are just the same little ten-year-olds that had grown up and gotten smarter. That is the oddest thing about growing up, you change so very much, and yet you never really change. The "change" that occurs is mostly putting life lessons in your basket. And I have gathered my fair share of life lessons this year.

Leadership is a lot harder than you think: remember to stay focused on your vision and use your team.

Groups can change radically in just a few months: stick through hard times and be flexible to change.

God sometimes takes you through really rough times to break you of your will. This is good.

There are some areas of life where you will never see the results of your ministry. That is not an excuse to serve less.

Being Christ followers does not make friendships easier, as much as I think it should.

Your heart is more resilient than you might think.

Mentors come when you least expect it.

It is good to talk with your mom and friends about pain in your life.

Be faithful in little tasks, even if no big tasks come your way.

In a godly, and healthy, romantic relationship both people are supposed to be very in love with the other, and ready to give of themselves always.

An older sister is a precious gift, and living close to her is icing on the cake.

These are the major lessons I've learned in 2008. God has been so faithful to teach and mold me throughout this year. Never have I been more aware of His kind and loving hand guiding and protecting me life and practice. Never have I seen more vividly how my sinful actions and lack of faithfulness break my relationship with Him. I'm ready for 2009, what will is bring? The anticipation excites me...

not ready

I'm not ready to go back to school. Home is so good. Family is the most comfortable environment to be in. I like being able to cook, and play games, and have lively discussions with my family. As much as I like Moody Church it does not hold a candle to my home church, where I feel comfortable and loved. And the weather -! Don't even get me started. So beautiful. I guess a part of it is laziness, I like the lack of responsibility. But mostly its that I really like being home, with my family. Where I belong.

Home.

falling asleep on the couch.

staying in my pajamas all day.

baking with my sisters.

talking to mom.

hugs at my church from all the dear people.

driving back late at night from hanging out with friends.

looking up and seeing thousands of stars.

being hugged by Kolbjorn's never ending hugs.

laughing around the table after we finish diner.

rushing to get everyone out of the house on time.

having sleepovers with my sisters.

reading for pleasure.

its good to be home!

Words that Challenge

Someone just called me and read me these verses and the spoke right to where I am. God's timing is amazing.


The LORD your God is testing you to find out whether you love Him with all your heart and with all your soul. It is the LORD your God you must follow, and Him you must revere. Keep His commands and obey Him; serve Him and hold fast to Him.
Deuteronomy 13:3-4

wake up call

Why is it when you make a big decisions you immediately see the reasons you should not have chosen that way? I feel like I need wisdom majorly, and I need prayer, for many things. And I'm procrastinating. mhe. Welcome to November.

And yet, through my failings, difficulties, and troubles, I see the Lord's abundant blessing and kindness. He is using all this to draw me back to sweet fellowship with him.

One week till I leave for Thanksgiving! My feelings are a lot more mixed toward that right now. I'm definitely praying more about it. Lord willing, it will be a good time for everyone.

tears

Smith desk is a funny place. And being the Smith desk worker is an interesting position. You see, people forget you are here. All the couples that walk through the area totally ignore you. Some days I really like it, because I can sit here and gossip with myself about the different couples and their current status. Some days...it grinds on my nerves. The prolonged good-byes, the "call me when you get back to your room"s, the "I don't like that face. No I really like that face, I just don't like that you are upset right now"s, sometimes you just want them all to leave. But they don't because, to them, they are alone. And you do not exist. Cynicism is not always a healthy trait, I'm afraid.
I learned much this week. About being a part of a team. And learning through communication. There were days this week when I really did not like myself, or what I had done. Sometimes my pride, and lack of consideration for others pushes me to the point of tears. I cried four times this week. Because I took someone's trust and twisted it against them. Because I was hurt by someone. Because of my sin, and failure to change. Because a book grabbed my emotions and carried them where it wanted. My goodness, and I was not even PMS-ing.

red-orange-purple-yellow-green-brown

Fall is such a beautiful time of year. I love the changing colors on the trees. As we drove around the Michigan countryside I found my eyes glued to the window. This is a beauty unexperienced in California. When I was little my grandma used to have me help her put together those 5000 piece jigsaw puzzles. I think I saw one of them today by the road. It makes you wonder why people travel out east during the summer months, when its hot, sticky, buggy, and miserable. Why not in the perfect cool of fall, when the hills are ablaze with color? Back in the day they had this figured out. School would be let out for the harvest and continue far into the summer. I wouldn't mind staying in school longer if I knew I could enjoy more fully these wonder days of fall.
We visited a apple orchard yesterday. This was per my request. I've alway had a certain affinity for apple orchards in the fall. It was wonderful! The only hard part was I am a pauper and could not buy any of the yummy looking apple foods. But we walked forever and almost got lost. That would have been pure bliss, to be lost in an apple orchard. And, we are going to make applesauce tomorrow! This will bring back warm feelings of my grandma.
In other news, homesickness is starting to roll heavier over me. It always starts getting worse in October, intensifying till we get to Christmas break. Pictures of siblings, smells that conjure up images of memories, and sounds that remind me of home, all my senses are joining in in this battle to not miss home too much. As great as it has been to be at Anna's house, being in someone else's home does not make me miss home less. Soon, these two months will pass, and I will be home! joy!

Cookies, holes, and big hair

Monday was a weird day. I woke up from a full night's rest and had no desire to leave my bed. I'd like to blame the weather for my bad attitude. Rain, if you are not outside in rain-boots jumping in puddles, makes people depressed. So I saw the rain and was depressed. But the day was weirder than my attitude, something was just off. I cut a hole in my shirt, without realizing what I was doing...haha, silly girl. And then I made cookies and did not add enough flour, thankfully I realized that after only baking half of them. And my hair looked like it was from the 80s. Odd things like to happen all on the same day.
The day also ended weird. I went to informal practice expecting it to be a "Yay we had a great first show!" party. That was why I made cookies after all. Kelly also seemed to think that was the theme of the night, she brought brownies. So everything was set. Except for the fact that Monday was a weird day, and things don't happen as they are set to on weird days. Caleb is sick. He can't stay with informal. This was such shocking news to me. Maybe if I had eyes to see what other people were going through I could have known he was not feeling great. We are going to miss him, a lot. Caleb was a great leader, and a supportive team member. It'll suck to have him off the team. It was the right choice, he needs more time to rest and heal.
So, I'm glad Monday is over.


Yesterday in sys theo I realized that I need to be reading the Word more often. There is something about talking about the inerrancy, sufficiency, and illumination of scripture that makes you want to read it more than you do. The problem with my life is I've gotten so busy that important things, like my time with God, become less important to me. I need more accountability on this. Someone to ask me, "What are you learning from the Word right now?" But the blame does not rest with anyone but me. Thankfully I'm here at Bible school, and so I get wake-up calls all the time. My fear is that when I leave this place I'll become stagnant. Without being connected to the source I become a dried up spring, no good for anything.

Do you keep a blog?

Melissa asked me that tonight, and the answer is not really. Sometimes the desire to write on here hits me. As you can tell, however, that the frequency of this is rare. We are now a month and a half into Moody. And Soren is just starting at U of C. Somehow that does not seem fair. This has been the craziest month of my life. Never have I felt the inadequacies of my frailty, nor the strength of His had holding me up, on such a consistent basis.

I bit off too much. That is really the long and the short of it. When I think about what fills my days I even wonder at how I'm keeping up. Yet, God has been faithful, and I keep up. In ways I am not preforming at 100% in everything. I let the ball drop with SMF this past month. Got caught in the daily details and forgot the vision. Thankfully my faithful Helper never lets me get to far off track, so He shook me up this week. We talked about it at exec and planned ways we can begin serving the students in a more complete way. We are launching a news update thingy this week. Terribly excited about that. I'm the president of the nerds after all (thank you Eddie). And we are going to try in a more active way to get current students connected with graduated, and serving students (know to most as alum). That was the vision we lost. But we have not wasted too much time, so the battle is not lost.

iNforMaL was last night! Best show ever! This is the part of my life where I feel the pleasure of God (Joe's analogy). There is such joy in bringing laughter into people's stress-filled lives. And to have the blessing of this position, being on such a great team, and this crazy gift from God, is almost too much to handle sometimes. I forget all the stress in my life at a show. The laughter of the crowd brings joy to me.

School. Yeah, this is why I am here after all. It is good. Great classes, that I'm keeping up with. From some perspective I could be putting more time into them. But I don't feel the need. I Love all my professors. Someone told me that junior year is the best, and they were right!

The boy is great. Pretty much. I suppose I should honor him more than calling him "the boy". Honestly, Eddie is the biggest blessing in my life. I'm continually impressed with his maturity and self-sacrifice. He is a man who is following after God, and that is so darn amazing! We are quickly approaching our sixth month mark. And he has become my dearest friend in the world. When I'm excited or stressed, he is the one to talk with. Because, somehow, he knows just what to say at all the right times. God has given him wisdom, which I am very grateful for. On here, it is impossible to explain the wonder of how God has matched our lives like puzzle pieces. But suffice to say, this is a good thing.

Everything else is falling into place. I wish I had more time for friends, and art projects, and a second job. My weeks are best described as a scream to a sigh. Saturday night- Thursday morning "AAAAAEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHKgeHHHtchst!" Thursday-Saturday ahhh! and loop...

Struggle

i went to Russia and don't know what to say about it. Probably I need time to process all that happened there.

my unbelief

Here Master, in this quiet place, where anyone may kneel.
I also come to ask for grace, believing You can heal.

If pain of body, stress of mind destoys my inward peace,
in prayer for others may I find the secret of release.

If self upon the sickness feeds and turns my life to gall,
let me not brood upon my needs, but simply tell You all.

You never said, "you ask to much" to any troubled soul.
I long to feel Your healing touch, will You not make me whole?

But if the thing I most desire is not Your way for me,
may faith, when tested in the fire, prove its integrity.

Of all my prayers, may this be chief till faith is fully grown.
Lord disbelieve my unbelief and claim me as Your own.

-Fred Green 1974

sleeplessness leads to:

- loss of direction (literally, I have wandered around more in the past few weeks, lost in my city)
- the tendency to laugh (at everything)
- the tendency to cry...
- a racing pulse (this one scares me)
- a need to be busy.


I really like my job, and everything that fills my life. But sometimes I am very tired. like now.

So, last Sunday, ha!, I went down the stairs of the train station to board the train to my sister's house. There was this little hand written sign that said there where no north-bound trains. I stared at that sign, wondering what it meant. What direction was my sister's house from where I was? I decided that I needed to go to a different station. Once at the top of the stairs I realized that my sister's house was indeed south of where I was and this station would work just fine. Down the stairs I went again. This time I put my faircard in the slot and walked through the gate. Then I got confused again, was I really going the right way? I decided I was not. Out I went again. I was halfway down the street when I realized that I should have gotten on the train after all. I knew that I was in a confused enough state that I would never make up my mind. I called my roommate. She laughed at me and told me my sister's house was to the south. I walked back to the station and got on the train. How silly am I? I think I need more sleep.

Love

My cousin Nathan and his wife Becky are missionaries in the Canadian arctic. They live above the tree line, where there is snow for most of the year, and where a whole week can go by with 70 mph winds everyday. This last Sunday the temperature was 40 below with a windchill bringing it down to -58. Cold! Nathan walks around the town, trying to make contact with the people of the town. He discribed to us what he wears: full long underwear, jeans, thick wind-proof snowpants, a coat, and a parka, then a hat, a face mask, a scarf, and the hood from his parka. With all that he is still clod walking around and has gotten frost-bite on his small bits of exposed cheeks. I cannot imagine being up there. I love trees. I love people. I love my family. I think about Becky, while Nathan is out she is often left alone with their baby at the house. She said that it gets hard when their one big window gets covered with a snow drift. I don't think I could handle that. I know that they both love people. I know that they love their families. I''m sure they love trees.

And yet, as they stood on the stage this past Sunday, sharing their ministy with us, tears of joy welled up in their eyes at the connections God has given them with the people there. Neither of them could talk for a while, they were both so overwhelmed with love for this people they have lived with for three months. To them, the snow, isolation, and struggle is nothing compared to the joy of sharing their Savior with the Inuit people. The love of Christ truly compels them to give up all that the earth would value to share the greatest message of all times.

This Valentine's day I want to be filled with that love. I want the love of Christ to compel me to fully live for Him. To cease striving for anything I desire but to put Him first in my heart, life, mind, and days. I want to find my joy in Him and in sharing Him with my world.

spring cleaning

what a consistent blogger I am!

wow, even though it is not spring yet, I feel like God is doing some pretty intense spring cleaning in my heart. I have so much in me that does not please Him, and slowly, very slowly, he is working it out.

Last semester I saw a demonstration of a potter working with his clay, and it revolutionized my thoughts on my being the clay in God's hands. Before God can mold me into what He desires for me He needs to beat all the air bubbles (which will make the pot crack) out of me. That takes a lot of throwing, and pushing, and pain. Sometimes I just want an easy life. I was everything to be nice and fun. But then I remember that my life ought not to be my own, and that If I am able to fully surrender to God then my life will become something more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. When my life is in His hands. "My grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I tried to make a pot once. But the clay was so hard and my hands were so clumsy. I worked at it for a while; it looked pretty bad. But I was tired of trying to make that clay into something beautiful, it was taking too long. So, after a little while, I just stopped. The pot was something that only my dad would have liked (and then only because I made it), all because I did not have the patience to fully work the clay and carefully mold and remold it. Praise God that he does not give up on us! He keeps at us, even though we are hard clay and ugly. And my God's hands are not clumsy, he is an expert potter, making all things according to His perfect plan.